Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
