Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
