remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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