i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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