when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
