his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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