he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
