PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
