what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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