If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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