My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
