He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
