when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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