You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
