So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
