two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
