Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
