I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
