Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
