Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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