she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
