Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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