I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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