Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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