i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
