there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
