Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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