Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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