I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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