my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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