oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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