Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
