all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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