I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
