Don't make out with my wife yet
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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