Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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