some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I got inside last night via doggy door
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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