saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
