I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
