I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
