I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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