Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
