i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
