you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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