I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
