You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
