Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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