He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
