I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
