Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize