I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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