exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just gargled with NyQuil
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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